normal girl things
The hardest part of not feeling like a normal 25 year old is the feelings that arise when watching shows about “normal” young women. Today’s show was the What Not To Wear: Wedding Belles special. It’s hard to watch things about marriage for me. Not because I don’t want to get married; I do. But the dream that I had as a girl isn’t going to fit what the reality of life with Dad’s Alzheimer’s. I never wanted a traditional wedding–I don’t believe in “God”–but I always have wanted my father to walk me down the aisle. Frankly, I don’t think that’s going to be possible.
So marriage discussions often make me upset. I’m want to be married-I’m in love with my boyfriend and hope he’ll stay around. He passed the test of staying with my Dad by himself for hours. I’ve cried in front of him though I do hold a lot back. I’m working with a therapist on my many issues to try and improve our relationship. I think most problems we do have are related to my bouts of depression and inability to always share what’s happening in my head–big part of marriage. It’s easier to write my thoughts down than to actually say them aloud.
So even though I want to be married, rationally I know I should fix myself first. And I don’t want to pressure anyone into doing something before they’re ready, just because of my Dad.
I want to be normal. I want to not have to deal with this. I want to be able to be the carefree girls on the television. But it’s too late for that. I’m trying to remind myself that most things won’t happen the way you want. Isn’t that what being an adult is all about? Realizing that life isn’t perfect, life isn’t a fairy tale?
